Tuesday, February 22, 2011

... and Francine is the reason why I'll go to jail.

Let me just prelude this post with an explanation. I am not a terrible driver, despite what you may think after this post (and to a certain someone ... SHUT UP! I is good at the driving!). So lets get on to the failure ...

So, I was using my GPS earlier. Her name is ... Francine. Now, we don't have that many issues. But when they do arise, she can get a bit ... pissy. Like refuse to give me directions pissy. Or insist upon a U-turn in the middle of a busy highway pissy.

I mean, its not like she is supposed to give directions or anything...

Anyways, so I was driving earlier (really! how strange!) and things were okay. I wasn't stressing, and a good song came on my hipster playlist. That was until SOMEONE decided to ride up my butt.

Wait, that sounds awkward. What I meant is that this old woman (not that I'm agist, thats just what she was) was driving so close to my bumper that I literally could not see her headlights. She was prolly about 6 inches from me at all times. And since most of you don't know me, you don't know that I have to have space when I drive. Like at least 5 full seconds worth of space. Suffice it to say, I WAS FREAKING OUT. It wasn't even that I was driving slowly! The speed limit was 25, and I was going 26. And since it was dark, and the road was windy, I thought it was a good speed. APPARTENELY NOT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

So that was stressing me out. And of course, Francine HAD to put in her two cents. I was perfectly happy slowing down to irritate the person behind me when Francine decided "HEY! I KNOW! LETS CHANGE THE ROUTE! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

As a side note, Francine always talks in a screaming voice in my head. Think of Ursula from the Little Mermaid except on like 14 Five-Hour-Energys.

Back to the story .... I'm driving, la la la la ... when Francine changes her mind. And all I hear is (as I'm passing the turn):


And thats how I hit a pothole the size of a small beluga whale on my way home.

Oh, and the best part? THE OLD WOMAN STILL FOLLOWED ME.


Friday, February 18, 2011

Dear Computer...

Know what would be cool?
You working.

I mean, I know we have a long and tumultous relationship, but really. That doesn't give you the right to guess what I want to do. I really don't want to be typing "google" into the address bar just so you can take me to my homepage (which is yahoo). Am I sensing a bit of hostility with the whole google enterprise? This isn't even the first time this hase happened. Lately, you've just refused to bring me to blogger, which is how I update my dear little bloggie-poo. And guess who blogger is associated with? GOOGLE! THE INJUSTICE!

What is your problem computer? For real! Do you object to search engines? I am so confused. Can we just work this problem out? I'm always up to talk.

I promise, I still love you. We are just going through a bit of a rough patch right now. Please don't shut down on me and cause massive errors. You are the bestest computer ever and ever and ever. (you too Windows, I know you can hold grudges)


Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Ho hum. I know what you all are thinking. "Yet another sad anti-lovey-dovey-Valentine's Day post. Let me skip over. Blah blah blah."


First of all, it's not Valentine's Day anymore. It's actually a whole day later. So suuuuuck it. Second of all, it's not about love. It's about my puppy.

But, I shall talk about my Valentine's Day (or Single Awareness Day) if I must. Once again, I did not have a "Valentine," but honestly, I don't think I wanted one. Instead I had a party with my friends and ate red velvet cupcakes. Which are delicious. Period. End of story. I mean, I would have liked to have one, but whatever. Something else I hate is when people sit there and complain about it being Single Awareness Day wah wah wah. I'm so sad. Look at me complaining. I just realized that I don't have a significant other. wah wah wah. (Insert whiny accent into last few sentances). ACK. For reals, if you are going to base your whole happiness on that, then I can pretty much guess why you are alone. If your happiness depends on being in a realationship that sociey has deemed acceptable, then that isn't true happiness.

That being said. I am a hypocrite. What person doesn't sit there on Valentine's Day and feel a bit bad because they are alone? The only difference -- I'd rather do things that make me happy. So I did. And that's where the red velvet came from. Anyways, back onto the purpose of this post ... my puppy.

My puppy .... ahhhh <3

I love her. So much. Sometimes she is the only one that keeps me sane. Even after a terrible day, an awful headache, and lots of work to do, just burying my face in her fur makes me feel so much better. Not that it's cliche or anything. But for real. I have actual reasons why I love her so much.

She is a teeny-tiny puppy (she's actually 3) and is our little runt. She just happens to be the perfect size to carry around like a small hairy child or deformed monkey.

She is soooo awkward. Just like me. She has a little Yoda face and an awkward little tail. Ah. She also has these awkward little habits. Like she has these "babies" (don't get your panties in a twist, they aren't real babies. they are little stuffed animals) that she enjoys carrying around. After she kills them of course. And by killing, I mean tearing the stuffing out and popping the squeaker. And the "skins" become her little toys. She carrys them around, throws them at you, and puts them all in her little bed.

But enough about my awkward little doggie. She is my special girl (and I don't mean that she is mentally impaired, she is smart when she wants to be) and she loves me unconditionally. No matter what kind of day I'm having, all I have to say is "Maggie? Want to snuuuuuggle?" And she'll get all excited. Just seeing that excitement makes me feel awesome. Like there is someone out there that will always be on my side, no matter what. Considering everything else, I couldn't ask for anything more.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Tjaere For Alltid

So I've realized that my New Year's promise to post more has become a wash. I have not. In fact, I think I may be posting less now than ever. ACK. I is sorry interweb readers. I shall try a bit harder.

But what to write about? I know! I shall give you a list of realizations that I've had today. That should tide you over....

1. I'm more motivated to actually type things that I should when I'm using pretty fonts. I've found that Times New Roman depresses me.

2. My right hand always gets really cold. Never my left one. Ever.

3. Going with the flow is so much more fun than I ever thought. And yes, I am talking about rivers (am I truly? guess you'll never know...). The only problem? Going so far downstream that you'll never make it back to where you once were.

4. Assassins Creed: Brotherhood is addicting. That is all. I'm afraid that if I talk to much about it, it may draw me back innnnnnnnnnnnn ... help! I'm being dragged back to Renaissance Italia! (those of you who have played that game hopefully understood that sad excuse of a joke. heehee how droll.)

5. Falling down stairs takes skill. Especially when you've done it over and over and over and over.

6. Walking on ice takes more skills. I do not have those skills.

7. I am way too good of a procrastinator. I should get a medal for this!

8. The beast has been angry for the last few days. (beast meaning the monster pretending to be hair) I guess it finally realized that I cut it, and is now pissed.

9. This is the second list I've posted. And in a row too! Ack.

10. Ten is an even number. NUMBERS IS HARD. No really, they are. Trust me. We've had enough history together to know when to leave each other be.

FYI: I couldn't think of what to name this post. I know, usually my post names are SO insightful and daring, but today I actually had something witty. But it decided to go on and leave without telling me. So I named this after the song I am listening to right now. It is by Binarpilot and it's super freaky (yaaaooh).

And so, I shall leave you with this tad bit o wisdom:

One one was a race horse.
Two two was one too.
One one won one race
Two two won one too.