Sunday, January 30, 2011

how to make sure you have exploited your rudeness ...

Dear Rude People,

Don't think us perceptive folk miss your advances to ruin our life. Stop your worrying, they have been noticed. But, why don't you make it a tad more obvious? I imagine that the normal 99% of the population does not notice your pearls of unwanted wisdom, your awful personal habits, or your complete disregard for the other carbon-based life forms around you. Please, help these sad, sad people out in their plight to recognize rudeness. It is quite tiring pointing it out all of the time.

Just in case you aren't sure of the methods needed to make your rudeness appeal to the masses, here are some pointers:

Next time you see someone wearing a sparkly flapper dress in a diner, don't make a side comment to your unfortunate dining mate like, "God, why can't these kids wear normal clothes?" Instead, stand up and bodily block her (or his) path to her (or his) booth. Proceed to examine the aforementioned dress. Extra points go if you physically pick up layers and comment on shoddy sewing. Finally, save your doozy of a comment until after she (or he) starts leaving, but is still in your line of sight. Announce to the entire restraurant "Holy Flying Fruitcakes. That ... thing needs to be locked up for public ugliness. And don't even get me started on that unfortunate soul wearing that sorry excuse of a dress." That way the person wearing the flapper dress and simply trying to return to her table after using the restroom will know exactly how you feel about the dress and won't have to guess.

Next time you (rude people) are listening to a speech, know that it is the perfect opportunity for rudeness. Seriously, if you don't take this time to be an inconsiderate ass, then you will be stripped of your title. Just forcing the person speaking to put down the notes (that were permitted according to the rules of the competition) and putting them on the spot is not enough. At the very least, get up while that person is talking to show your ultimate disdain for their thoughts and feelings. However, if you really want to earn your rudeness title, simply being a jerk is not enough. Instead of just getting up, why not circle the room a few times? Then, stop directly behind the person speaking and just start breathing. Loudly. And every time the person speaking turns around, give them a dirty look that says, "Stop invading on MY personal space and/or time." Extra points for you if you can perform an entire dance routine during the space of the speech.

I know a lot of you rude people have been driving behind a person driving slowly before. (This also applies if the person in front of you is actually doing the speed limit, it is icy, and that driver in front of you doesn't want to die. But I won't get off topic) I also know that almost all, if not all of you rude people have done the "creeping up the butt" driving technique. This is when you creep so close to the car in front of you that you are either (a) literally sitting in their backseat or (b) cause a miniture panic attack as the driver in front is peeing their pants because it looks like you are going to hit them, repeatedly. This tatic is all well and dandy, but it isn't quite rude enough for the 21st century jerk. This is where you recruit others into your quest. Instead of just creeping up that driver's butt, surround them in cars. This may be a bit hard to understand, but follow me. I promise it will enrich your rude meter. While before you just drove along the back of another, now you recruit your buddies into riding along all sides of the car. This works the best when weather conditions are bad and an accident is SUPER easy to get into. Once you have surrounded the hapless car with other cars, slow down to a crawl. Then speed up. Then slow down. If all of the cars surrounding the other driver do this together, you will have achieved the ultimate in rudeness.
Now this tatic is a little bit more complicated in that it requires friends to be rude with you. I know this particular point will elude a lot of you rude people as you have no friends, but if you try hard enough, I think you can do it. Maybe recruit some rude allies from the internet. Be creative. Anyways, this rudeness tatic also involves a car, which could turn a lot of you people off. But don't worry, in the following tip/tatic I will explain a suitable non-car replacement.

This tatic is especially good for those without cars, or those who just like being jerks. But, it does have some restrictions. First of all, you must do this either at night or another time with low visiability. Then, get a group of "friends" (or just people you have paid to walk along beside you, because again, you don't have friends) to walk with you. Finally, spread out along the road so you have made a literal barrier to prohibit cars from passing you. To enrich this rudeness, walk as slow as you can without stopping all together.

That is all the tips I can think of right at the moment, rude people. I know it may seem like a lot to absorb, but I think you can do it. Especially if you put your rude little hearts into it. You must allow the whole population to see you for what you truly are, and not just focus your bile on a specific group/individual.


p.s. I had to justify this post because it was annoying me. But then again, looking at this being justified and everything else different will also annoy me. Just a side note that I thought would interest you. (Even though it really isn't that interesting at all.)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Hoarding 101

Even though its late, and I posted yesterday ... I decided to post again (OH! look at her remembering to post! what a sassy-mc-sass-pants).

So, I feel as though I haven't been completly truthful with you invisable readers, so I must come clean. Let me just gather myself for a moment ....

I fear (look off into the distance) that I may have, (another dramatic pause) an addiction to .... socks. It's become quite bad. I actually didn't realize how obsessive I was under I finally cleaned my room the other day and witnessed the compulsion first hand. There were socks pinned to the corkboard. There were socks taped on the wall. There were socks hanging on the lamps as 'decoration.' And worst of all ... my sock drawer.

You see, normal people have a little drawer, or a half-sized drawer for their socks. Maybe they even mix them in with other clothes/undergarments. I don't really know, as I am not normal. What I have is ... a little bit weirder. I have a full-size, giant drawer devoted only to my socks. Thats all that's in there. And it's overflowing.

Now some of you may say, "Oh, that's a bit weird, but not that abnormal."

Au contaire my good friend.

You see, I don't have 'normal' socks. I have this thing were I can't wear white socks. Ever. I'm so against them that I think the last time I wore white socks voluntarily was maybe 6 or 7 years ago.

So yes, that means that the sock drawer that threatens to implode everytime I give it a dirty look is full of multicolored socks. And not just 'normal' colored socks. Some of my wide array include knee socks, neon socks, toe socks (adult and childrens, but I'll explain at a later date ... if I remember), slipper socks, shoe socks, fuzzy socks, and international socks. Another thing to note ... I collect socks from every country I visit, or someone in my close family visits. So I have Sweden, England, Ireland, Canada, the US, Alaska, and Jamaica.

And in case you were wondering ... yes, it does look like a rainbow vomited socks into that drawer. But I wouldn't have it anyother way.

Forever your personal sock hoarder ...

Monday, January 24, 2011

Speak out.

Hello all ...

This post is also a bit different. Do with it what you will.

Recently I was reading all the blogs that I stalk, and I came across I've read her for a while, and she can make me laugh, can make me cry, and makes me think about my own life. Today, she posted an entry that everyone should read, everywhere. A few weeks ago, her friend went through the most awful and terrible tragedy that anyone could go through. She lost her husband in a moment of mental illness. However, she does not want to focus on that terrible event. Instead, she is advocating everyone to speak out and get help. You can read the full story at Please watch this, it's totally worth it. 

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Will I remember?

Helloooooooooooooo readers!

(Whenever I type that, I feel like I'm using a British accent. Just a point of information.)

But really, the point of this post (I know, GASP, a point?) is a recent Panera day I had with some people. Now, for those of you who don't know, Panera is basically amazing with a capital AH. You should totes ma goats look it up if you haven't been there. DO IT! NOW!

Oh, and this post is a bit different. But I am confident in your coping mechanisms.

Anyways ... back on my train of thought ... we were having a major do-work-slash-study day there with a bunch or peoples and it was quite interesting. At one point, we started talking about pictures that we would want to look back on when we were older. And that got me thinking, what would I remember from this time of my life? Would I remember my beast of a hairdo? Would I remember my friends? Would I remember these pictures taken by a webcam in which my head is sideways because we were all squeezing in one booth? Maybe. Can I check E) All of the Above? Because those feelings are what I will remember when I look upon this awkward time of my life, not that one day where I did that thing.

But onto the title of my post ... What memories/feelings will I recall? The bad ones or the good? I'm wishin' and hopin' and prayin' (I think that's the lyric) that it will be the good, though I know that will prolly not be the case. Even now, I remember snippets of the good times I've had with people, but can recall entire segments of bad memories. They stick to my mind like glue while the happy things of my past seem to just leave impressions like footprints in the sand. Easily defined for a split second, but just as easily washed away in a torrent of water. However, I'd like to think that I've changed. Now, I force myself to focus on the good, because who wants to look back in their memories to just see a black hole? Not I.

Maybe this picture with a webcam that makes me look exceedingly pale will be one of those lasting images in my head. Maybe I'll sit in my pink-and-purple-flame-painted rocking chair, at 80 years old, fondly looking with my mind's eye at the one strange curl that decided to put in an appearance. But maybe not. Instead, maybe I won't even remember what a webcam was while I ride on my hovercraft. Or, maybe, I'll just sit there, rocking away, thinking about nothing at all.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

very truly souper douper sorry

I know.

I am a failure.

I have not posted in a week. Even for me, that's a long time. But in my defense, I have been busy with a capital Z. (hahahaha) So, I shall give you all, my invisable readers, a very special update on my week.

1. Bussssssy - ness. Wait, that makes it sound like I am buss-y. No, I was souper buzzzy. ACK. That doesn't even seem right. I seriously don't know what I've been doing, but appartnely it's taken up all my time.

2. I know I complained about this but ..... I had a hipster day. Well, not really hipster, more like pipster (poser + hipster). Even though I fail at dressing like a hipster, my friend is quite good at it. If he's reading this, he'll prolly yell at me later for exposing his hipster for the world to see, but whateves. So together, with my fail-pipster, we went thrifting and i found maybe the most wonderful sweater you have ever seen. It is black with ah-mazing green/pink/purple zig-zags. So purtyyyy (maybe not for a normal person, but for me it is). I am very excited to wear it .... I may even post a picture I am that excited. OH EME HEY! Then you, my invisable readers, will see that (1) I am a real person and not a computer (BEEP BOOP. I IS NOT WINDOWS OPERATING SYSTEM AT THIS INTERVAL IN TIME) and (2) how amazingly awesome this sweater is. The only drawback -- a funky smell. But as a fellow thrifter said "But the funky smell makes it more authentic." If you can't tell ... I AM EXCITED.

3. I am actually feeling a bit accomplished today. I went to an interview, hopefully didn't come off as TOO much of a creeper, and then came home and did stuff. Exciting. (not really).

4. I got my hair cut. (I know, I know ... even more exciting!) But for those of you who know of my hair escapades, then you know its a big deal. So far my hair hasn't flipped out, but that may be because it's still in shock. Soooo ... if this picture ever happens, then you may get to see. But I doubt it.

OH. And an update ... I officially washed "the sweater" and now it smells quite strongly of detergent to get all the yuckies off. I'm also going to admit that I love the smell of my detergent, so that may have been intentional ... but you'll never know ...

Forever your partner in crime ....

Saturday, January 8, 2011

have you ever?

So ... I was at a total loss at what to write today. Until I remembered some questions that have occured to me. I know, these questions are mighty deep and may cause you to reevaluate your life choices, but I think you can handle it. 

Have you ever put in your headphones, turned on some music, and wondered why it sounded strange? And then realized that the headphones weren't plugged into the computer in the first place?

Have you ever stared at your fingers while typing? Like really stared? And then discovered that you couldn't type anymore?

Have you ever had the urge to skip in public? And then afterwards had people stare at you wondering "WHY"?

Have you ever colored yourself entirely in pink chalk and then run around your yard? Only to find the only person that lived on your street that was your age has witnessed this and is now backing away in fear?

Have you ever broken an arm playing jump rope? How about walking down a hallway?

Have you ever fallen off a moving swing while singing "Mr. Sandman" to yourself?

Have you sang in that car, only to realize that all your windows are down, you are at a red light, and people are staring at you?

Think and discuss my invisable readers. Your work will be collected on Monday.

Just kidding .... you can have until Tuesday to finish.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

ermmmm ... Happy New New Year!

So. I is a bad blogger. It's only the fourth day of the new year, and I already broke my resolution to post more. I haven't since this weekend. I am so sad.

WAIT. STOP THIS PITY PARTY. Okay, I've decided that the first week of the new year is the "get out of jail and/or broken resolutions with at least part of your dignity intact." SO YES. I STILL HAVE UNTIL THE 7th. SO SUCK IT NEW YEAR. I FOUND A LOOPHOLE.

Wow. That was more yelling/angry typing than usual. And you know what makes it more fun? (Of course you don't ... you don't know me! hahahaha sass :P ) Well, let me tell you .... Soooo, my keyboard is semi broken. Actually, it's not broken. It's just mad at me. Whenever I stop paying attention to what I'm typing (which is surprisingly often,if you can believe it), the spacebar goes ... "HAHAHAHA I IS NOT WORKING. SO SUCK ITTTTTTTTT AHAHAHA" Btdubbs ... imagine an angry, superior accent there. I'm not sure which one I would pick ... but know it's there. So yeah .....

Um, when I read that back, it's sounds uber confusing. I am sorry.

Anyways, I shall get to my true purpose for writing this post. It is quite sad. I fear, interweb, that I may have caught (gasp) Hipster. I am so disappointed with myself. I truly tried to avoid it! I really did! I mean, I don't wear mainstream "hipster" clothes (though that makes me sound more hipster). I don't listen to mainstream "hipster" music (oh my, I should just stop). And, I don't think of myself as a hipster at all (okay, I have to stop).

ACK. According to Urban Dictionary, Hipsters never label themselves as that. Why? Why must I be stricken with this terrible curse? (I know, I know, it's not actually that bad. I just don't like being a label. So there invisable readers.)

I know, you're asking, "But, how did you know?" I tell you interwebs, it was a funny story. I mean, funny for me. Over the holidays, I went over to my grandmother's house, and it was there that my Hipster finally developed full force. My family gave me post-its, leg warmers, toe socks, and music. While the beginning of that list is quite hipster, it wasn't that bad until I hit the music. I would be kinda mad that Hipster finally caught me, but the music is just so gosh-darn awesome that I can't be. Like at all. Alrightly ... I've kept you in suspense long enough .... My grandmother gave me ....



Okay, let me calm myself down a bit, so I don't keep yelling at my poor computer. (Btdubbs, I am so very sorry computer. I don't mean to yell at you.)

I mean, watch this video and you shall understand. I promise.

Agagagagagagagagagaga. Ear heaven ... and I now have 2 whole CD's worth. If that means I'm a hipster, then that's okay. Together, we can find a cure ... someday .... (imagined someone fabulous looking off into the distance ... it isn't me but still ... dramatic)

AND ... I also have more epic music. I have sooo much Edmund Welles on my ipod it's not even funny. My ears are crying pure tears of joy. Wait, that doesn't make sense ... whateves. I am soooo happy. (And if you missed my whole nerdgasim about Edmund Welles, click here).
So … lookie here! A real post! Oh my, I feel accomplished. Now I must watch Biggest Loser. I LOVE IT. DON’T JUDGE ME.

Wow. This is such an awful follow-up to my awesome quote in my last post. Oh well, I think you shall survive interwebs. You can do it.

Forever and ever your (semi) dutiful blogger ….

Sunday, January 2, 2011

New Years .....

So look at me ...... posting on a blog. So unexpected.

hahahahahahaha. sass :P

Anyways ... one of my New Years Resolutions is to post more on the blog. Which is funny because I never follow my resolutions. So really my New Years Resolution is to follow my resolutions. So I guess my second-string resolution is to post more. Wait, that makes it seem like I'm on a football team and my resolutions are huddled around all pumped up and ready....


That was a lot funnier in my head. Oh well.

Yeah, so imma gunna post more. I mean, I can't guarentee the quality of the posts because more times than not I'll post uber late and make obscure referances that are realllly funny to me, but prolly make no sense. I can already tell, this is one of those posts. Whateves. Just know that somewhere off in the distance, I'm rolling on the ground laughing. NOT whatever the heck ROFL is. NO. I will not say that. Just all those acronyms annoy me. I mean, there are some exceptions, like btdubbs, lol, and asl. But really? You can't just say "at the moment?" You have to write "atm?" Seriously, I was talking to someone on Omegle (which is a dangerous addiction, believe me) and they kept friggin saying ATM. At first I was like, "WHY THE HELL DO YOU NEED TO GO THE AUTOMATED TELLER MACHINE. I DON'T UNDERSTAND." And then I suddenly got it ..... and it was an awkward moment all around. So to close out this first day of the new year and this first post of 2011, I'll leave you with my favorite quote. Well, one of my favorites but whenever I think of this one, I smile. (Maybe because I found it in a childrens wizard craft book)

"If there's one last thought I want to leave with you, it is "Use Your Powers!" It would be a grave mistake if you never used the special talents inside you that are just bursting to get out. Everyone's got them.   So pay attention to the things that make you curious and give you happiness.  They're clues to your true wizard's nature."

--from The Book of Wizard Craft