Sunday, January 30, 2011

how to make sure you have exploited your rudeness ...

Dear Rude People,

Don't think us perceptive folk miss your advances to ruin our life. Stop your worrying, they have been noticed. But, why don't you make it a tad more obvious? I imagine that the normal 99% of the population does not notice your pearls of unwanted wisdom, your awful personal habits, or your complete disregard for the other carbon-based life forms around you. Please, help these sad, sad people out in their plight to recognize rudeness. It is quite tiring pointing it out all of the time.

Just in case you aren't sure of the methods needed to make your rudeness appeal to the masses, here are some pointers:

Next time you see someone wearing a sparkly flapper dress in a diner, don't make a side comment to your unfortunate dining mate like, "God, why can't these kids wear normal clothes?" Instead, stand up and bodily block her (or his) path to her (or his) booth. Proceed to examine the aforementioned dress. Extra points go if you physically pick up layers and comment on shoddy sewing. Finally, save your doozy of a comment until after she (or he) starts leaving, but is still in your line of sight. Announce to the entire restraurant "Holy Flying Fruitcakes. That ... thing needs to be locked up for public ugliness. And don't even get me started on that unfortunate soul wearing that sorry excuse of a dress." That way the person wearing the flapper dress and simply trying to return to her table after using the restroom will know exactly how you feel about the dress and won't have to guess.

Next time you (rude people) are listening to a speech, know that it is the perfect opportunity for rudeness. Seriously, if you don't take this time to be an inconsiderate ass, then you will be stripped of your title. Just forcing the person speaking to put down the notes (that were permitted according to the rules of the competition) and putting them on the spot is not enough. At the very least, get up while that person is talking to show your ultimate disdain for their thoughts and feelings. However, if you really want to earn your rudeness title, simply being a jerk is not enough. Instead of just getting up, why not circle the room a few times? Then, stop directly behind the person speaking and just start breathing. Loudly. And every time the person speaking turns around, give them a dirty look that says, "Stop invading on MY personal space and/or time." Extra points for you if you can perform an entire dance routine during the space of the speech.

I know a lot of you rude people have been driving behind a person driving slowly before. (This also applies if the person in front of you is actually doing the speed limit, it is icy, and that driver in front of you doesn't want to die. But I won't get off topic) I also know that almost all, if not all of you rude people have done the "creeping up the butt" driving technique. This is when you creep so close to the car in front of you that you are either (a) literally sitting in their backseat or (b) cause a miniture panic attack as the driver in front is peeing their pants because it looks like you are going to hit them, repeatedly. This tatic is all well and dandy, but it isn't quite rude enough for the 21st century jerk. This is where you recruit others into your quest. Instead of just creeping up that driver's butt, surround them in cars. This may be a bit hard to understand, but follow me. I promise it will enrich your rude meter. While before you just drove along the back of another, now you recruit your buddies into riding along all sides of the car. This works the best when weather conditions are bad and an accident is SUPER easy to get into. Once you have surrounded the hapless car with other cars, slow down to a crawl. Then speed up. Then slow down. If all of the cars surrounding the other driver do this together, you will have achieved the ultimate in rudeness.
Now this tatic is a little bit more complicated in that it requires friends to be rude with you. I know this particular point will elude a lot of you rude people as you have no friends, but if you try hard enough, I think you can do it. Maybe recruit some rude allies from the internet. Be creative. Anyways, this rudeness tatic also involves a car, which could turn a lot of you people off. But don't worry, in the following tip/tatic I will explain a suitable non-car replacement.

This tatic is especially good for those without cars, or those who just like being jerks. But, it does have some restrictions. First of all, you must do this either at night or another time with low visiability. Then, get a group of "friends" (or just people you have paid to walk along beside you, because again, you don't have friends) to walk with you. Finally, spread out along the road so you have made a literal barrier to prohibit cars from passing you. To enrich this rudeness, walk as slow as you can without stopping all together.

That is all the tips I can think of right at the moment, rude people. I know it may seem like a lot to absorb, but I think you can do it. Especially if you put your rude little hearts into it. You must allow the whole population to see you for what you truly are, and not just focus your bile on a specific group/individual.


p.s. I had to justify this post because it was annoying me. But then again, looking at this being justified and everything else different will also annoy me. Just a side note that I thought would interest you. (Even though it really isn't that interesting at all.)

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