... and Francine is the reason why I'll go to jail.

Let me just prelude this post with an explanation. I am not a terrible driver, despite what you may think after this post (and to a certain someone ... SHUT UP! I is good at the driving!). So lets get on to the failure ...

So, I was using my GPS earlier. Her name is ... Francine. Now, we don't have that many issues. But when they do arise, she can get a bit ... pissy. Like refuse to give me directions pissy. Or insist upon a U-turn in the middle of a busy highway pissy.

I mean, its not like she is supposed to give directions or anything...

Anyways, so I was driving earlier (really! how strange!) and things were okay. I wasn't stressing, and a good song came on my hipster playlist. That was until SOMEONE decided to ride up my butt.

Wait, that sounds awkward. What I meant is that this old woman (not that I'm agist, thats just what she was) was driving so close to my bumper that I literally could not see her headlights. She was prolly about 6 inches from me at all times. And since most of you don't know me, you don't know that I have to have space when I drive. Like at least 5 full seconds worth of space. Suffice it to say, I WAS FREAKING OUT. It wasn't even that I was driving slowly! The speed limit was 25, and I was going 26. And since it was dark, and the road was windy, I thought it was a good speed. APPARTENELY NOT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

So that was stressing me out. And of course, Francine HAD to put in her two cents. I was perfectly happy slowing down to irritate the person behind me when Francine decided "HEY! I KNOW! LETS CHANGE THE ROUTE! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

As a side note, Francine always talks in a screaming voice in my head. Think of Ursula from the Little Mermaid except on like 14 Five-Hour-Energys.

Back to the story .... I'm driving, la la la la ... when Francine changes her mind. And all I hear is (as I'm passing the turn):

TURN BITCH! TURN RIGHT NOW! AHAHAHA YOU ARE GOING TO MISS THE TURN! SERVES YOU RIGHT FOR IGNORING ME BEFORE! OH WATCH THE POTHOLE! HAHA YOU HIT IT! SUUUUCK IT! AND IN 4.6 MILES, KEEP RIGHT. IF YOU DARE. HAHAHA!

And thats how I hit a pothole the size of a small beluga whale on my way home.

Oh, and the best part? THE OLD WOMAN STILL FOLLOWED ME.

ack.

Dear Computer...

Know what would be cool?
You working.

I mean, I know we have a long and tumultous relationship, but really. That doesn't give you the right to guess what I want to do. I really don't want to be typing "google" into the address bar just so you can take me to my homepage (which is yahoo). Am I sensing a bit of hostility with the whole google enterprise? This isn't even the first time this hase happened. Lately, you've just refused to bring me to blogger, which is how I update my dear little bloggie-poo. And guess who blogger is associated with? GOOGLE! THE INJUSTICE!

What is your problem computer? For real! Do you object to search engines? I am so confused. Can we just work this problem out? I'm always up to talk.

I promise, I still love you. We are just going through a bit of a rough patch right now. Please don't shut down on me and cause massive errors. You are the bestest computer ever and ever and ever. (you too Windows, I know you can hold grudges)

SIncerely,
me

Love?

Ho hum. I know what you all are thinking. "Yet another sad anti-lovey-dovey-Valentine's Day post. Let me skip over. Blah blah blah."

HAHAHAHAHA. SUCK IT. YOU'RE WRONG.

First of all, it's not Valentine's Day anymore. It's actually a whole day later. So suuuuuck it. Second of all, it's not about love. It's about my puppy.

But, I shall talk about my Valentine's Day (or Single Awareness Day) if I must. Once again, I did not have a "Valentine," but honestly, I don't think I wanted one. Instead I had a party with my friends and ate red velvet cupcakes. Which are delicious. Period. End of story. I mean, I would have liked to have one, but whatever. Something else I hate is when people sit there and complain about it being Single Awareness Day wah wah wah. I'm so sad. Look at me complaining. I just realized that I don't have a significant other. wah wah wah. (Insert whiny accent into last few sentances). ACK. For reals, if you are going to base your whole happiness on that, then I can pretty much guess why you are alone. If your happiness depends on being in a realationship that sociey has deemed acceptable, then that isn't true happiness.

That being said. I am a hypocrite. What person doesn't sit there on Valentine's Day and feel a bit bad because they are alone? The only difference -- I'd rather do things that make me happy. So I did. And that's where the red velvet came from. Anyways, back onto the purpose of this post ... my puppy.

My puppy .... ahhhh <3

I love her. So much. Sometimes she is the only one that keeps me sane. Even after a terrible day, an awful headache, and lots of work to do, just burying my face in her fur makes me feel so much better. Not that it's cliche or anything. But for real. I have actual reasons why I love her so much.

She is a teeny-tiny puppy (she's actually 3) and is our little runt. She just happens to be the perfect size to carry around like a small hairy child or deformed monkey.

She is soooo awkward. Just like me. She has a little Yoda face and an awkward little tail. Ah. She also has these awkward little habits. Like she has these "babies" (don't get your panties in a twist, they aren't real babies. they are little stuffed animals) that she enjoys carrying around. After she kills them of course. And by killing, I mean tearing the stuffing out and popping the squeaker. And the "skins" become her little toys. She carrys them around, throws them at you, and puts them all in her little bed.

But enough about my awkward little doggie. She is my special girl (and I don't mean that she is mentally impaired, she is smart when she wants to be) and she loves me unconditionally. No matter what kind of day I'm having, all I have to say is "Maggie? Want to snuuuuuggle?" And she'll get all excited. Just seeing that excitement makes me feel awesome. Like there is someone out there that will always be on my side, no matter what. Considering everything else, I couldn't ask for anything more.

Tjaere For Alltid

So I've realized that my New Year's promise to post more has become a wash. I have not. In fact, I think I may be posting less now than ever. ACK. I is sorry interweb readers. I shall try a bit harder.

But what to write about? I know! I shall give you a list of realizations that I've had today. That should tide you over....

1. I'm more motivated to actually type things that I should when I'm using pretty fonts. I've found that Times New Roman depresses me.

2. My right hand always gets really cold. Never my left one. Ever.

3. Going with the flow is so much more fun than I ever thought. And yes, I am talking about rivers (am I truly? guess you'll never know...). The only problem? Going so far downstream that you'll never make it back to where you once were.

4. Assassins Creed: Brotherhood is addicting. That is all. I'm afraid that if I talk to much about it, it may draw me back innnnnnnnnnnnn ... help! I'm being dragged back to Renaissance Italia! (those of you who have played that game hopefully understood that sad excuse of a joke. heehee how droll.)

5. Falling down stairs takes skill. Especially when you've done it over and over and over and over.

6. Walking on ice takes more skills. I do not have those skills.

7. I am way too good of a procrastinator. I should get a medal for this!

8. The beast has been angry for the last few days. (beast meaning the monster pretending to be hair) I guess it finally realized that I cut it, and is now pissed.

9. This is the second list I've posted. And in a row too! Ack.

10. Ten is an even number. NUMBERS IS HARD. No really, they are. Trust me. We've had enough history together to know when to leave each other be.

FYI: I couldn't think of what to name this post. I know, usually my post names are SO insightful and daring, but today I actually had something witty. But it decided to go on and leave without telling me. So I named this after the song I am listening to right now. It is by Binarpilot and it's super freaky (yaaaooh).

And so, I shall leave you with this tad bit o wisdom:

One one was a race horse.
Two two was one too.
One one won one race
Two two won one too.

how to make sure you have exploited your rudeness ...

Dear Rude People,

Don't think us perceptive folk miss your advances to ruin our life. Stop your worrying, they have been noticed. But, why don't you make it a tad more obvious? I imagine that the normal 99% of the population does not notice your pearls of unwanted wisdom, your awful personal habits, or your complete disregard for the other carbon-based life forms around you. Please, help these sad, sad people out in their plight to recognize rudeness. It is quite tiring pointing it out all of the time.

Just in case you aren't sure of the methods needed to make your rudeness appeal to the masses, here are some pointers:

1.

Next time you see someone wearing a sparkly flapper dress in a diner, don't make a side comment to your unfortunate dining mate like, "God, why can't these kids wear normal clothes?" Instead, stand up and bodily block her (or his) path to her (or his) booth. Proceed to examine the aforementioned dress. Extra points go if you physically pick up layers and comment on shoddy sewing. Finally, save your doozy of a comment until after she (or he) starts leaving, but is still in your line of sight. Announce to the entire restraurant "Holy Flying Fruitcakes. That ... thing needs to be locked up for public ugliness. And don't even get me started on that unfortunate soul wearing that sorry excuse of a dress." That way the person wearing the flapper dress and simply trying to return to her table after using the restroom will know exactly how you feel about the dress and won't have to guess.

2.

Next time you (rude people) are listening to a speech, know that it is the perfect opportunity for rudeness. Seriously, if you don't take this time to be an inconsiderate ass, then you will be stripped of your title. Just forcing the person speaking to put down the notes (that were permitted according to the rules of the competition) and putting them on the spot is not enough. At the very least, get up while that person is talking to show your ultimate disdain for their thoughts and feelings. However, if you really want to earn your rudeness title, simply being a jerk is not enough. Instead of just getting up, why not circle the room a few times? Then, stop directly behind the person speaking and just start breathing. Loudly. And every time the person speaking turns around, give them a dirty look that says, "Stop invading on MY personal space and/or time." Extra points for you if you can perform an entire dance routine during the space of the speech.

3.

I know a lot of you rude people have been driving behind a person driving slowly before. (This also applies if the person in front of you is actually doing the speed limit, it is icy, and that driver in front of you doesn't want to die. But I won't get off topic) I also know that almost all, if not all of you rude people have done the "creeping up the butt" driving technique. This is when you creep so close to the car in front of you that you are either (a) literally sitting in their backseat or (b) cause a miniture panic attack as the driver in front is peeing their pants because it looks like you are going to hit them, repeatedly. This tatic is all well and dandy, but it isn't quite rude enough for the 21st century jerk. This is where you recruit others into your quest. Instead of just creeping up that driver's butt, surround them in cars. This may be a bit hard to understand, but follow me. I promise it will enrich your rude meter. While before you just drove along the back of another, now you recruit your buddies into riding along all sides of the car. This works the best when weather conditions are bad and an accident is SUPER easy to get into. Once you have surrounded the hapless car with other cars, slow down to a crawl. Then speed up. Then slow down. If all of the cars surrounding the other driver do this together, you will have achieved the ultimate in rudeness.

Now this tatic is a little bit more complicated in that it requires friends to be rude with you. I know this particular point will elude a lot of you rude people as you have no friends, but if you try hard enough, I think you can do it. Maybe recruit some rude allies from the internet. Be creative. Anyways, this rudeness tatic also involves a car, which could turn a lot of you people off. But don't worry, in the following tip/tatic I will explain a suitable non-car replacement.

4.

This tatic is especially good for those without cars, or those who just like being jerks. But, it does have some restrictions. First of all, you must do this either at night or another time with low visiability. Then, get a group of "friends" (or just people you have paid to walk along beside you, because again, you don't have friends) to walk with you. Finally, spread out along the road so you have made a literal barrier to prohibit cars from passing you. To enrich this rudeness, walk as slow as you can without stopping all together.

That is all the tips I can think of right at the moment, rude people. I know it may seem like a lot to absorb, but I think you can do it. Especially if you put your rude little hearts into it. You must allow the whole population to see you for what you truly are, and not just focus your bile on a specific group/individual.

Sincerely,

me

p.s. I had to justify this post because it was annoying me. But then again, looking at this being justified and everything else different will also annoy me. Just a side note that I thought would interest you. (Even though it really isn't that interesting at all.)

Hoarding 101

Even though its late, and I posted yesterday ... I decided to post again (OH! look at her remembering to post! what a sassy-mc-sass-pants).

So, I feel as though I haven't been completly truthful with you invisable readers, so I must come clean. Let me just gather myself for a moment ....

I fear (look off into the distance) that I may have, (another dramatic pause) an addiction to .... socks. It's become quite bad. I actually didn't realize how obsessive I was under I finally cleaned my room the other day and witnessed the compulsion first hand. There were socks pinned to the corkboard. There were socks taped on the wall. There were socks hanging on the lamps as 'decoration.' And worst of all ... my sock drawer.

You see, normal people have a little drawer, or a half-sized drawer for their socks. Maybe they even mix them in with other clothes/undergarments. I don't really know, as I am not normal. What I have is ... a little bit weirder. I have a full-size, giant drawer devoted only to my socks. Thats all that's in there. And it's overflowing.

Now some of you may say, "Oh, that's a bit weird, but not that abnormal."

Au contaire my good friend.

You see, I don't have 'normal' socks. I have this thing were I can't wear white socks. Ever. I'm so against them that I think the last time I wore white socks voluntarily was maybe 6 or 7 years ago.

So yes, that means that the sock drawer that threatens to implode everytime I give it a dirty look is full of multicolored socks. And not just 'normal' colored socks. Some of my wide array include knee socks, neon socks, toe socks (adult and childrens, but I'll explain at a later date ... if I remember), slipper socks, shoe socks, fuzzy socks, and international socks. Another thing to note ... I collect socks from every country I visit, or someone in my close family visits. So I have Sweden, England, Ireland, Canada, the US, Alaska, and Jamaica.

And in case you were wondering ... yes, it does look like a rainbow vomited socks into that drawer. But I wouldn't have it anyother way.

Forever your personal sock hoarder ...

Speak out.

Hello all ...

This post is also a bit different. Do with it what you will.

Recently I was reading all the blogs that I stalk, and I came across http://www.theblogess.com/. I've read her for a while, and she can make me laugh, can make me cry, and makes me think about my own life. Today, she posted an entry that everyone should read, everywhere. A few weeks ago, her friend went through the most awful and terrible tragedy that anyone could go through. She lost her husband in a moment of mental illness. However, she does not want to focus on that terrible event. Instead, she is advocating everyone to speak out and get help. You can read the full story at http://www.rrsahm.com/. Please watch this, it's totally worth it. 

Will I remember?

Helloooooooooooooo readers!

(Whenever I type that, I feel like I'm using a British accent. Just a point of information.)

But really, the point of this post (I know, GASP, a point?) is a recent Panera day I had with some people. Now, for those of you who don't know, Panera is basically amazing with a capital AH. You should totes ma goats look it up if you haven't been there. DO IT! NOW!

Oh, and this post is a bit different. But I am confident in your coping mechanisms.

Anyways ... back on my train of thought ... we were having a major do-work-slash-study day there with a bunch or peoples and it was quite interesting. At one point, we started talking about pictures that we would want to look back on when we were older. And that got me thinking, what would I remember from this time of my life? Would I remember my beast of a hairdo? Would I remember my friends? Would I remember these pictures taken by a webcam in which my head is sideways because we were all squeezing in one booth? Maybe. Can I check E) All of the Above? Because those feelings are what I will remember when I look upon this awkward time of my life, not that one day where I did that thing.

But onto the title of my post ... What memories/feelings will I recall? The bad ones or the good? I'm wishin' and hopin' and prayin' (I think that's the lyric) that it will be the good, though I know that will prolly not be the case. Even now, I remember snippets of the good times I've had with people, but can recall entire segments of bad memories. They stick to my mind like glue while the happy things of my past seem to just leave impressions like footprints in the sand. Easily defined for a split second, but just as easily washed away in a torrent of water. However, I'd like to think that I've changed. Now, I force myself to focus on the good, because who wants to look back in their memories to just see a black hole? Not I.

Maybe this picture with a webcam that makes me look exceedingly pale will be one of those lasting images in my head. Maybe I'll sit in my pink-and-purple-flame-painted rocking chair, at 80 years old, fondly looking with my mind's eye at the one strange curl that decided to put in an appearance. But maybe not. Instead, maybe I won't even remember what a webcam was while I ride on my hovercraft. Or, maybe, I'll just sit there, rocking away, thinking about nothing at all.

very truly souper douper sorry

I know.

I am a failure.

I have not posted in a week. Even for me, that's a long time. But in my defense, I have been busy with a capital Z. (hahahaha) So, I shall give you all, my invisable readers, a very special update on my week.

1. Bussssssy - ness. Wait, that makes it sound like I am buss-y. No, I was souper buzzzy. ACK. That doesn't even seem right. I seriously don't know what I've been doing, but appartnely it's taken up all my time.

2. I know I complained about this but ..... I had a hipster day. Well, not really hipster, more like pipster (poser + hipster). Even though I fail at dressing like a hipster, my friend is quite good at it. If he's reading this, he'll prolly yell at me later for exposing his hipster for the world to see, but whateves. So together, with my fail-pipster, we went thrifting and i found maybe the most wonderful sweater you have ever seen. It is black with ah-mazing green/pink/purple zig-zags. So purtyyyy (maybe not for a normal person, but for me it is). I am very excited to wear it .... I may even post a picture I am that excited. OH EME HEY! Then you, my invisable readers, will see that (1) I am a real person and not a computer (BEEP BOOP. I IS NOT WINDOWS OPERATING SYSTEM AT THIS INTERVAL IN TIME) and (2) how amazingly awesome this sweater is. The only drawback -- a funky smell. But as a fellow thrifter said "But the funky smell makes it more authentic." If you can't tell ... I AM EXCITED.

3. I am actually feeling a bit accomplished today. I went to an interview, hopefully didn't come off as TOO much of a creeper, and then came home and did stuff. Exciting. (not really).

4. I got my hair cut. (I know, I know ... even more exciting!) But for those of you who know of my hair escapades, then you know its a big deal. So far my hair hasn't flipped out, but that may be because it's still in shock. Soooo ... if this picture ever happens, then you may get to see. But I doubt it.

OH. And an update ... I officially washed "the sweater" and now it smells quite strongly of detergent to get all the yuckies off. I'm also going to admit that I love the smell of my detergent, so that may have been intentional ... but you'll never know ...

Forever your partner in crime ....

have you ever?

So ... I was at a total loss at what to write today. Until I remembered some questions that have occured to me. I know, these questions are mighty deep and may cause you to reevaluate your life choices, but I think you can handle it. 

Have you ever put in your headphones, turned on some music, and wondered why it sounded strange? And then realized that the headphones weren't plugged into the computer in the first place?

Have you ever stared at your fingers while typing? Like really stared? And then discovered that you couldn't type anymore?

Have you ever had the urge to skip in public? And then afterwards had people stare at you wondering "WHY"?

Have you ever colored yourself entirely in pink chalk and then run around your yard? Only to find the only person that lived on your street that was your age has witnessed this and is now backing away in fear?

Have you ever broken an arm playing jump rope? How about walking down a hallway?

Have you ever fallen off a moving swing while singing "Mr. Sandman" to yourself?

Have you sang in that car, only to realize that all your windows are down, you are at a red light, and people are staring at you?

Think and discuss my invisable readers. Your work will be collected on Monday.

Just kidding .... you can have until Tuesday to finish.